Friday, 18 September 2009

• not really a post on Rural Vs. Urban case managing

  Guys, I don't know if I can do it.  I think case management isn't for me, especially in Philadelphia... yeah thats right.  I said it.  I'm like epic failing all over the place these past two weeks.  Sure its just a phase, but really? 

  I'm not tough enough to do the job, my feelings get hurt easily... My organizational skills are atrocious (surprisingly was able to spell astrocious)...

  I can name about a billion reasons why I would be justified in trying something new... but I need to lumber on and stop wallowing in self-doubt.  I know I am quite capable of doing this job, if I could just get my butt into gear.  My terrible school habits are now kicking me in the butt, and its only up to me to fix them.

  Maybe I do just need to focus on two things: LCFS (mi trabajo) and YAB (mi trabajo otro)...

  But I also started a volunteering campaign!  100 hours in one year!  I think its important to keep out in the world and see what else is out there.  I'm big into getting others involved in it... which is going to make it fun!

  There's also church, which somehow, accidently, always ends up at the end of the list with God.  I swear I don't mean to...  but for some reason Its always been secondary.  I've been working on pulling God up there to number 1.  Asking for just him... I've stopped asking for strength, and wisdom and etc etc (for now) but now I just want to know what it means to lean on just God.  How do I go to him for help?  How do I witness is power when I've been trying to use my own all along. 

  This has been a chronic illness, almost for as long as I've been alive.  I was talking to a co-worker teh other day and we've both forgotten how to let God drive the bus. 

  I'm going to keep trucking along... but growing up is hard to do, especially when you feel responsible for the lives and well-being of so many.  Its like I get tired of waiting for the world to change, and I get tired of trying to change it.  Like the day will never come when all of the problems in Philadelphia are eradicated.  At least here on earth, I always forget that there is a heaven.  When I was a kid I never really thought of heaven much, I was afraid (and still am) of death. 

  My image of death was that when you die, everything goes dark.  Much like when you're in a cavern and the guide turns all of the lights out.  just. nothingness.

  *siiiiiggggghhhh*  Except for my sigh is more of an overwhelming need to just cry my heart out. 

  But no really, everything is going to be alright... its just one of those days and I was at a training from 9-4 so I of course feel like ranting and raving!  lol.

   

  have a great weekend!

  Babs

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